These hands, I've watced go from 2 small fists, with fingers turning white from the pressure of being crammed together in the tightest little ball. To hands trying to figure out to work, to being admired, to moving around in crazy  movements. Now they are thands that grab, pull, push hands that can be used to feed to feed herself, to hold her cup, to hold something hard to chew on, to help ease the pain of teeth coming in. They are hands that grab at toys to play with, to throw, they are hands that try to grab cats ears, and tails, hands that reach for dogs paws, hands that help move around on the floor... they are hands that reach for my face, they are hands learning to wave "buh-bye". They are teaching tools, they are the hands that reach for me, when she is tired, unhappy, or wants to cuddle. They may be tiny, they may at times pinch me, and pull parts of me that just cant be pulled (or atleast shouldnt be pulled) but those hands are her greatest teacher. She will learn so much more with those 2 tiny hands, she will feed herself, tie her shoes, write, draw, play, one day hold hands with her first love, they are the hands that will wipe tears from broken hearts, they will hug, those are the hands that will hold her first child, they will do and see so much with her then i ever will. They may be tiny, but they are huge in her world.

Mothers day, my very first one, with Ari...I of course didnt sleep in, I was up at 6, awaiting the princess to open her eyes for the day. I came down stairs to find 2, wrapped (apparently wrapped by a man) presents sitting on top of my laptop, with a card... OMG HE REMEMBERED TO GET ME A GIFT!  I swore he hadnt thought of it...but he didnt! he REMEMBERED! I sat down to open them... card first... card read "Wishing you what every new mom wants for mothers day..." in side it read "SLEEP!" which i stared up the stairs giving him a little nasty look, and then laughed... sleep... he wants me to have sleep...yet... im the one up... jerk. So i toss the card to the side, and open the first present, this one is flat and a large square i know what it is because its a signature for him... yeap.. i was right a picture frame, its plain, shiny... next... smaller box...also square, i pretty much know what this is too, becaus its mothers day ya'll and i KNOW what you get mothers, I do have one, i know what she got when I was little...yeap right again... white gold heart, that says "mom" in the middle. I wore it with pride of course, even though the princess tried to choke me with it, then tried to rip it off of me. but it's all good.

PB and I made it down to my mothers and we hung out for a bit waiting for my sister and Bug to get there, we went to lunch at the Warfside, sat out side on the water, which was nice, until my typically happy baby, especially in a resturant decided... LIFE SUCKED! and she was going to let everyone in a 100 mile radius KNOW IT! I totally wanted to jump in the water. I shoveled my food into my face (which was DELISH.. lobster tail and fried shrimp??? yes please!!!) while my sister held PB. then i took her, and stood up with her while every snooty woman in the joint stared me down.. she wasnt screaming anymore, she was talking... LOUDLY but i still got nasty looks, not that, that bothers me i could care less what other people think, i she continued to lose her mind we would have gone outside away from people, but she started to calm down, especially when her aunt held her again (snot.)

after lunch we went to the park, bug of course had the time of his little 1 year old life, well my child slept in the car with my mother standing gaurd... until i said screw this, and woke her up which she was not so pleased with (suck it up kid) she went on the swing for a bit, but still wasnt all to happy about life.

so my mothers day wasnt anything all to grand, it was nice to spend the day with my mother and sister, but past that... nothing to write home about. I mean i came home and did dishes while the husband stood behind me and said "anything you want me to do?" ....men.

When I was little, i was painfully shy, i didnt like sleep overs, i hated birthday parties i hated strangers, and being away from my family was painful. i hid behind my sisters leg for possibly ever (she is 9 years older than me) and she.. isnt shy. it was hard growing up being that shy, i didnt want to go in stores alone.. my mother once drove to wawa, and made ME go inside and get milk, i thought i was going to die, i cried, my heart pounded i wanted to vomit. yeah yeah, i was just getting milk but you dont understand that, that required me standing in front of someone, and have to interact with them in some way, and in my own 8 year old mind that was death.


i was more than likely about 10, maybe younger i had a set of days of the week underwear.. oh stop you had them too! and i LOVED them, i wore wednesday on wednesday, monday on monday, it was FANTASTIC! one day i had on my wednesday pair, they were white with green lettering. my sister had taken me to the high school for whatever reason, and we were in the gym she was talking to someone... who? i still dont know but its not the point,  she kept saying "car.. wednesday" over and over and i had no idea what she was talking about, and her friend thought she was bonkers (she is.. but thats another story) she repeated this like 8-9 times and i just stared at her blankley... and i kept thinking today ISNT wednesday its saturday you crazy broad!

eventually she gave up, and said "FUDGE(nick name she gave me years ago) YOUR ZIPPER IS DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

i almost passed out, it was horrible! here we are IN PLUBIC which is horrible enough for me, and she is talking to someone SHE knows, but to me is a total stranger, this was my nightmare, and my fly is down? so i zip it up, and i know im red, and id like to just die right there, i may as well who cares? this guy just saw my days of the week underwear, and for a 10 year old, that is instant death at least for a girl, who would rather pull out her eye lashes then have to be around someone she doesnt know in public... after that my sister says "so next time im just going to say the days of the week, so youll know your zipper is down,and you wont get embarrassed!" GENIUS i thought! NO ONE WILL KNOW! works for me... it never happened again... but to this day, if someone randomly says a day of the week, (or at least i didnt hear someone ask what the day is.. or what have you) i feel my self checking to see if my fly is down, ive been scarred ya'll!!!!! the days of the week are a constant reminder of some strange guy, in the middle of the high school gym, seeing my days of the week underwear, which at the time for me were the greatest thing in existence, but some strange guy, childish and i already made a fool of myself by hiding behind my sister.. now he saw my undies i left a piece of me in that gym... my dignity.

so if you are ever in that high school and youre in the gym and you see some thing hiding beind the bleachers trying to avoid eye contact... its my dignity and it has my wednesday underwear, just ignore it, please dont add insult to injury, poor thing has been through enough.

if you live under a rock, and havent heard.. Bin Laden is dead (or...atleast so they tell us)( im always weary of things.. i need proof..moving on...) I almost cried watching the news, my hands were slightly shakey, I just kept thinking about everyone who has been lost because of this man, and his "army" and not just at their hands, well.. yes at their hands... so many men and women have taken their own lives, on our soil due to this war, PLUS his victims, and our military and all the others fighting this same fight.

Im proud, for all of them, im proud that 10 years ago, I was sitting in class in high school (omg 10 years ago.. i just threw up in my mouth a little) and from the window of the room i was in, we could SEE the first tower smoking, we saw the expolsion of the 2nd tower being hit, and we could see it on the news, we knew people there! our small 1 mile town, had someone there that day, and he was murdered, and he was an amazingly wonderful person. Im proud that EVEN 10 years later, we got him, (i personally would have liked to see him be slowly tortured... but i dont get everything i want) that he wont be able to celebrate a decade of our misery... this isnt over, and im sure for the most part, its just begun... but damn it feels good for him to have a bullet in his head... and it feels strange to rejoice in someones death, im not a vicious person (ok ok, i can be.. BUT i take death seriously) but shit he deserved it!!!!!

atleast for today, i feel better about bringing PB in to this world, and bringing 2.0 into the world in october...today i feel hopeful, today i feel like anything really is possible in this world, because THIS world.. the one today is very different than the one from yesterday, and in my head, today the world is perfect, and my children deserve perfect even if its just for today.