PB is now a 1/2 year old... 6 months for those not all with it. i am shocked that i made it, let alone her... i mean.. shes growing.. thriving, and ive never dropped her! and thats HUGE for someone who is super clumsey.. like moi :D

She has started this high pitched SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHING noise, that makes me want to rip my ears off of my head, she does it all day long. the grandparents think its adorable... i tell them they can keep her. they laugh. she can now sit up, all by her lonesome, she just needs help getting into the sitting position. she now is getting up on her knees and rocking.. she wants to move, she always has so i know it will be soon for her chub butt to crawl... i was pushing her tiny hieny back down... pregnant mommy not ready to chase her right now, but i stopped lol. damnit.

this week i am 9 weeks pregnant, and as i am getting more and more excited about it, im still in a bit of a dark place about the whole thing... i dont like talking about it, unless im venting, i try not to think about it all day.. except when im making my food choices, and reminding myself that i need to rest, eat, drink something, and pee. past that.. i ignore the whole thing... just not ready. i will be. my hyperemsis came back.. HOORAY! ugh. back on pills thankfully... pregnancy for me just sucks, i hate it. wheres the damn stork? cant some big giant bird, just drop this one off... say when its about 2? I love my daughter.. but babies? eh. other peoples babies are WONDERFUL, but living with one? notsomuchfun. not for me anyway, and trust me, my kids super cute i just like people who can function lol 

house hunting has begun... im not looking for something brandy new, as i like a house with some history... i am looking for something big enough, with a yard, and something i can make my own (well.. ours)... but deff something our kids can grow into, in a good neighborhood... ive moved way to much, so we're looking for this one to be the last, for a long time. im excited about this. but... leaving some people around me now, will be hard but we arent leaving the state, just the county.

Welp, EPT is a big fat LIAR! I went to my OB, thinking I had a cyst the size of the grand canyon, since last time I had that much nausea, I had fred sitting smack in the middle of my ovaries, he was 1, by 1 1/2 inches long good times. I also wanted to get my butt on the pill.... So i go, he does an exam, says "well you deff dont feel pregnant" thanks for that mister who just made me a human puppet, thanks. Has me do a blood test just to be sure, and told me to call back after i see my primary about my blood pressure, it was CRAZY high, 150/110... hi heartattack, nicetomeetyou, after it goes back down he will give me a script for the non-pregnant medication. Next day, after throwing up what felt like my liver, I get the call
 
"hello Mrs. Emens?

Yes?

"hi, this is Karen from "The hoohoo dr" "

Oh Hi?!

"yeah um... so... youre... pregnant"


DEAD!

"Mrs. Emens are you there?"

I died that day....

3 pounds were lost off of this almost fluffy body, I ate what I wanted, I drank what I wanted and I sat down. I didnt even try, it just came off now before you get all "damnit i hate you" on me, ive been sick since sunday, its now saturday and am still having a bit of tummy troubles, not tummy virus troubles either, i dont know WHATS going on.. but at the moment I dont care, the scale says im lighter, so lighter I shall be, and not ask questions.


I finally got to get out of the house, ive been stuck in here, snowed in, then iced in, then sick stuck in, for 3 weeks. thats right people... THREE WEEKS!!! once with the baby we took a trip to babies r us, so i could snag a few things for her and my nephew, because he is very spoiled and i can not help myself. The second time i snuck out of here, was for dinner with a friend, I havent been out with a friend in nearly 4 months so it was WONDERFUL! i didnt care how long the wait was for a table, i didnt care that there was traffic, I WAS ALONE! IN THE CAR! MUSIC BLASTING SINGING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS! and didnt run the risk of wakeing the baby. it was BEAUTIFUL. I of course asked my husband how the baby was, he inturn told me to stop worrying... easy for him that kids with me 24/7 so of course im going to wonder, and im going to ask, and your going to tell me because ill shank ANYONE if something happens to her, i work hard at not killing this child (and i mean this in, shes clean, fed, ive NEVER dropped her, i have hit her head, i may or may not have accidentaly chocked her while trying to button a shirt that buttoned in the back..)(dont give me that.... you know youve done it!!) so when i am not with her, i better not come home to a hair misplaced on her head, or im gonna go all mama bear on you.

Kip ( I have told my husbands name??? well its Kip.. just kip) and I talked about together, how dieting for me, is pointless, becuase eventually i have to get off the diet, and then what? I am not going to push to many things on myself at one time, with the baby its not easy, I take time out of the day, every day for myself, but sometimes thats only 5 minutes, sometimes its more. so working out, isnt always an option for me, but i do housework, im up and down with the baby, so when i get the chance i do it, but if i didnt have a moment, im not allowed to beat myself up over it. eating... Im going foodshopping this week, we had to use up the food already here, and ive made the best choices i could, with whats available at the house, and ive done fairly well. So sunday is foodshopping, and the new foods will be worked in, kip is willing to eat what i eat (for the most part) but he is a very picky eater, so it wont always be easy. we shall see.

I was once a vegitarian, then a pescetarian (a person who only eats seafood, and no other animal), which agreed with me a lot more. As of today I am going to be working back toward pescetarian, and hopefully with time back down to vegitarian, I had been thinking about this for a bit now, and even mentioned it to my husband a friend of mine. But Oprah today, did me in. Talking about being a vegan, and showing a slaughter house, the slaughter house.. killed me. I used to torement myself with PITA videos, every day for months, ask my husband, i drove him nuts, id be in tears, forcing him to watch the most horrific things... we still to this day, boycott KFC, and tyson, we stand firm on this, and its OUR choice. Being a vegitarian, with PCOS is ideal. There isnt much guess work, its more of a moral choice, vs. a diet one, which inturn, turns into a lifestyle change and when it comes down to it, isnt that what all of this is about? I hate the word diet, I call them "goin on a skinny" and i guess that is what I am still doing, but eventually you get off of a diet, and then what?

The worst part of all this "diet" crap, is I used to be a weight loss councoler for LA weightloss before they sold... sigh.

So i am cutting out red meat, and white bread, and will work from there...

Im not looking for weightloss, im looking for health.

The stomach virus has taken over my body... so my logical conclusion is that my body was aware of this days ago and decided i needed... no i HAD to eat eveything up in sight since ya know.. i wouldnt be chowing down anything GOOD for the next i dont know how long... upside? maybe ill shed some poundage... down side. how do i avoid getting miss PB sick?

So the last week or so, ive been feeling rather funny, very tired, more so than usual, uber moody, more so than usual, constantly hungry, and having to pee almost every hour... did your brain go where mine went? ok good. well i am not, i seriously should have thrown a party. I made my best friend Harlee, go get me a test, and coffee creamer, because dont you always buy your pregnancy tests with coffee creamer? anywho, so she goes buys it, i take it, and come down stairs, happily. But this constant hunger, and peeing thing? what the hell...when i say hungry, i dont mean just kind of hungry, i mean STARVING! homeless people are less hungry than i have felt the last week or so, so ive been eating us out of house and home, and wasteing gallons of water with how often i am peeing.

Today we got lunch from muscle makers, which i love, and have been eating from since about 2004, love it, its good for you, you have options, and did i say i love it? I INHAILED it, like i havent eaten in 3 days, and low and behold, hungry an hour later. I had a chicken breast sandwhich, on whole weat bun, with reduced fat mozzerella, roasted red peppers, and balsamic vinegar, and brown rice. umm.. YUM! but was still very hungry an hour later.

I am starting to wonder, like really wonder if its the diabetic/pcos part of me, screwing with me, telling me it wont allow me to get skinny. There is only so many rice cakes, and fruit and veggies a girl can snack on before she runs for the chips-ahoy..something is going to have to give. i wont allow my body to dictate how much i eat. being hungry is one thing, but being starved is another...maybe its a tape worm.. a tape worm i can totally hang with, (totally gross.. but totally skinny....) some meds and we will be good to go. But i remember when my cat had worms, and that was totally gross, and she ate everything she could get her tiny paws on, and she got bloated...it wasnt until she was throwing them up before we noticed she was sick, we just thought she was a pig... which she totally is.

It took me almost 13 years for me to get a diagnosis. When I first got my period, I was young, younger than a lot of my friends I remember it perfectly, I was in Roy Rogers having lunch with my mom, when I SWORE i just peed myself, so I went to the bathroom... nope didnt pee, but there was blood...So I did what any-other 10 or 11 year old does, I shoved some toilet paper in my under wear an went back to eat my lunch and then go see a movie. Got home changed, found one of my moms pads grabbed it continued on with my day, this lasted literally 24 hours if that, which I super happy about. It came back the next month normal, by then my mother found out I had my period, so we had the "talk", i still totally felt like a freak.

The next month when it did come back, it was normal, nothing crazy about it, I had some minor cramping, or what you would call normal. Month 3? never happened... Month 4? never happened, month 5 and 6... never happened... I only said something my sister and she told me it was normal, that my cycle could already be changing and since I was new to my new womanhood pants, I went with it. It did finally come back, and it came back with a vengeance, I would be curled up in a ball in pain, my mom would make me excessive amounts of tea, I took more teen midol then i care to remember.

Fast foward to about 16 or 17, Im an athlete played sports, one day I told my mother i had this obnoxcious pain in my pelivs area, she told me to watch it, see if it got any worse, it never got WORSE but it certainly took for ever to get better, so.. off to the Dr. we went. He had me lay down, he felt the area, and said I had a hernia, it was nothing serious but to take it easy on the sport front for a bit...so i did. Periods were still the same, they were heavy, they were painful, they were HORRIBLE! Id have to yell from the bathroom for my mother to bring me a change of clothes, Id ask to be sent home from school, my mom would keep me home because the pain was SO unbareable, plus i always seemed to get sick right around my period... and not like vomit, like SICK broncitus, fevers, the whole 9.

Fast foward to age 25, I am dating my now husband, and working in a family practise, as a medical assistant, the past few years I had noticed somethings about me, that just didnt seem right, like exsessive hair growth, that i still had what was referred to as teen acne, still having obnoxcious periods, that no matter how much weight i lost, i still had chub around my mid section, not to mention I had just had a miscarraige about 2 months prior. The dr. was talking to a patient about her testosterone levels, that they were high, higher than when any females should be, he mentioned PCOS and they would do more testing... and I had my own personal AH HA moment. I went right into my co-workers office and told her to draw my blood... we did testosterone, glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, folate, iron, you name it, we tested for it.

Results came in, and I almost hit the damn floor. My testosterone levels were HIGH which would explain the hair growth, my iron and folate were low, which explained my ALWAYS being tired, my cholesterol and trigs were HORRIBLE! My trig's were as high as if i was an alcholic, or ate an entire loaf of white bread a day, at that moment I was a walking heart attack, with boarderline diabetes HOORAY! the next day i went to my personal dr. she looked at the results, and was shocked, but said that it explains so much about me, it explains my weight, my acne, the hair, the constant depression and doom and gloom, she had me go see and endocrinologist as soon as i could, who inturn agreed with the Dx, and put me on metformin, explained the side affects, and sent me on my merry way, diagnosis in hand. Me and metformin do not get along, I can not take it, so i went on herbal meds, and they worked wonders.

I guess i should add here, that I am italian, so the hair growth easily could have been because of that, well Ill have you know, i have possibly the least hairy italian family this side of the east coast. But me? i felt like an ape. the dx was a bit of a set back for me, I was told I may never be ableto carry my own child, that if i didnt get things in check i was bound for an early heart attack. This set me into an even more serious depression for awhile... meanwhile my sister is pregnant, and as happy i am for her... im pissed not at her.. at the unfairness of it all.

If you have been playing along, youll see that the "hernia" wasnt a hernia, it was a cyst a BIG one that my peds dr felt. Ive been to the ER since my dx with horrible pains, only to be told I had a cyst that measured more than an 1inch long, and 1/2 inch wide... hello big. I was told my depression was due to my being an unmedicated ADHD, that my weight was only attributed to my eating, and that my super painful period was normal, that every woman is different.

I am 27 years old now, with a beautiful little girl, i havent had a stroke or a heartattack yet, and I am going to work on this not happening anytime in my near future. My diabetes isnt in check, i know this by how i feel, and that my eye sight seems to be worsening, when my perscription hadnt changed in about 10 years....

PCOS sucks, I have a great support system, 2 friends who have it, one who has 4 children, and is super skinny, the other is my best friend, younger than me, but struggeling as well. I have a husband who still doesnt full get it, but buys me alli for christmas, and weightloss games for wii, he tries. Ill do this...with them But its my own personal fight, my own personal hell that I will come out of, a better, healthier and hopefully skinner me.

I can be queen of this, blame it on my ADHD, blame it on I am a new mom, blame it on... the rain ;) PCOS plays a huge part in my weight, getting a late diagnosis plays a bigger part, but lately? its just laziness. I know what I am supposed to do to get this chub off of me, I am aware that I need to cut back on the yummy goodness that is carbs, I know I need to increase my veggie and fruit intake, and eat lean meats, that arent breaded and cooked in yummy fat. I know I cant eat an entire pacakge of double stuff oreos... will power left me at birth.

So I have this thing.. i sometimes call the parasite, at times the tyrant.. but usually its peanut butter, PB for short (what? shes mushy and sticky like peanut butter), this is my baby she is 4 months old, and cute as pie and no she isnt asian, not even a little. I need to be healthy for her, or atleast as healthy as i can be. i owe it to her cute lil butt! even if she tried to kill me. (and she sooooo did). But how?  Ive been lazy with my health for 27 years, thats where this happy spot of the internet that i am now calling home, comes in... this will be my "get your ass movin" kick in the hiney i need.

As of today I am 182lbs (hangs head) I am 5'2" (i dont look my weight.. i SWEAR i dont... only plus side... aside from my ass)... goal? by summer.. be 20 lbs lighter, but next january, be 40 pounds lighter... sounds easy enough right? well not when you have PCOS and are a diabetic, and have a 4month old who keeps you from doing things like prepareing food, that isnt pizza rolls...But I will do it, I will have slip ups, it wont be easy.. but damnit...I WILL BE SKINNY!

So look out world.. this chicks goin on a skinny!